Tonight was my husband’s birthday. Now I just had surgery so sex is not a thing right now. In fact, the way I feel so put back together and tight down there, I’m not sure I ever want to have intercourse again. It feels tight, sore, and new. But how do I get him to respect that?

Anyway, it’s his birthday. I gave him a good present (well, he picked it out himself). I made meatloaf and potatoes, his favorite, even though I felt like crap (from the surgery). The kids helped me make brownies. We watched a movie this evening and then I offered to shower with him or rub him in bed – warning him my energy level was low so not to expect much.

We showered. And all I kept think was that I wished someone else was in there with me. I tried picture favorite stars, but I have a hard time with that. I try to feel like it is someone else rubbing their hands on my body. But he has rough hands and oily skin, so every time he touches me I cringe.

He puts his forehead against mine and all I can think of is “get your oily skin off of mine.”

He wraps me in his arms and all I can think of is “take a step back so your body hair doesn’t make me itch.”

I hate feeling this way.  Cornered.

But I do. I dream of a woman’s body. One with normal skin, whose body is smooth, no back hair or chest hair. Who whispers sweet nothings in my ear and leaves hickeys up my neck. I dream of her being behind me and then I turn and we kiss under the water.

All in all, I hope he had a good birthday, because I do love him and want him to be happy. But once again, I had to do something I didn’t want to do because he needed it and I wanted him to be happy.

There’s no end in sight. I’m tired. I’m not the healthiest person around. I have more schooling to do. Too much to accomplish before I could think about leaving. So I vent to you, dear friends, in hopes that you understand or maybe that I can even help another not make the same mistakes I did.

Don’t settle. Follow your gut.

If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with. BULLSHIT! You can try. You can try hard. But it doesn’t work. You resent yourself, then your spouse, soon your kids, your whole life. For what? You got knocked up too early? Have the baby without him. You got away from your trashy family? Find another way out. Find the one you’re supposed to be with. Discover yourself. It’s much better to figure it out earlier on than in your 40s or worse 70s.

Do NOT settle. Don’t let it get to the point you’re repulsed by your partner. Don’t let it get so bad you’re pretending 24/7.


Author: beautifulchaos112

I'm an anomaly. I think one thing one day and another the next. I can't make decisions to save my life. I'm as happy as I can be in my bubble. Breaking that bubble scares the shit out of me so I hold on. But I dream of so much more. I have mental issues - diagnoses: anxiety, depression, possibly bipolar. I have sexuality issues - I'm married to a man and we have a big family, but deep down I know I'm a lesbian or asexual or possibly homoromantic. Do labels really matter? I'm waiting for that one experience with a woman to confirm, but am too shy, introverted, and would feel guilty looking for one. If the situation were to present itself...that's another story. I have other health issues, but hopefully those can be helped. This is my story. My journey.

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